What have I lost here?

Some tired days, some days when I had been out partying the night before and had gone to work on two hours sleep, still partially drunk, I would raise my head from my arms on the workbench and wonder what I was turning into. Outside the shop windows loomed the dark giant forms of mountains. These mountains seemed to exert a malevolent forcefield around the town where I lived and around my life, making me feel trapped. At other times looking at them made me feel like I might explode from an uncontainable painful joy, as though I had a slow gas leak in me and was waiting for a flame.